Come On Get Happy!

It is bizarre for me to admit that I am for once a completely happy person. It is a strange occurance for me. Bad things yes are happening to me but for once I can look at them and not let them get me down. I woke up this morning and was late to work but just shrugged and said whatever. My paper for physics is not done and I am fully confident that it will be done before i have to turn it in. It is strange. I am usually full on paniced about everything...
i am currently writing this blog from my physics class, i decided that i had not update in a while and that it was time for it
tonight i will being going to a concert with a friend of mine, and i am totally stoked about it!
but yest there are only 4 minutes left in class so my update is being cut short...but more to come promise!

I wish i was Cinderella

I was I were CinderellaTo have a man love you so much after one glance that he would search through many kingdoms just to find you.To have a man who loved you for you and doesn't care about where you come fromI wish I was CinderellaI wish I was Sleeping BeautyTo have a man who would battle through thorns and danger all to save meA man who would risk it all just to spend the rest of his time one earth and beyond with just me.I wish I was Sleeping BeautyI wish I was BelleTo have a man so in love with me that he was willing to die to keep me safeA man who's heart of stone could be turned soft and compassionate when I was nearI wish I was BelleI wish I was BellaTo have a man who kept me safe because he couldn't bare to have anything happen to me.Who would do what he thought was necessary just so that I would be happy.I wish I was BellaI will never be a princess from a fairytale or the object of a handsome vampire's affection in any world outside of the one in my dreams. I am a normal everyday girl with a normal everday life. My prince has yet to show up by my side. But when he does, my fairytale will begin. And although I'm not Cinderella, Belle, Sleeping Beauty, or Bella. I am me and that is all my fairytale ending will need.But...until that day comes...I wish I was CinderellaWith a fairy godmother to guide my way and a loving prince to keep me safe until I grow oldI wish I was Cinderella

Someone To Watch Over Me

She stared blankly at the computer screen before her. The thoughts that were going through her mind concerned her. She wasn't doing well in school, it just didn't hold them same excitement for ther that it used to. Her friends were all slowly turning their backs on her and deserting her. The boy she liked wouldn't talk to her because he didn't think she was pretty enough or good enough for him. She was being picked apart by directors for being to tall, to fat, to blond, to pale...And now she sat there staring at the blank computer screen with an open word document waiting for the thoughts and insperation to come to her. But they never did.She sighed and closed her laptop, she placed it on the top of her dresser and leaned back on her bed and closed her eyes. Nothing seemed to be goingthe way she wanted it to.She had had so many problems in her past that she had thought that she had gotten by. She gripped her ands together and tried to keep herself distracted from doing anything rash.She stared at the poster of the boy hanging on her wall and wondered why it is that she liked him so much. His music had gotten her through the last hard time of her life.But then she thought, he would never know that. He would never know everything he and his music had done for her. He would never know who she was or care about her even for a fleeting second.Not only for the reason of thinking that he would never care but thinking about everything that was going on and thinking that she would never find anyone who cared the tears began to flow freely from her eyes. She was slipping back into her old ways and she couldn't afford that.She slowly thought about everyithing. She may be losing her friends but she was making new ones and there were still a few old ones who did care about her and would never let her down or let anything happen to her. She could go through school for now, she would talk to her advisor and her teachers and see what she could do. She couldn't let her parents down, they were so proud of her. She was going to get her priorites straight.She had finally found her insperation. She sat up and pulled her laptop onto her lap. She knew how to get her feelings out and began to type. When she was almost finished she looked at what she had written and smiled And typed up the final part.
And having realized all of this. There is still one thing that worries me. While I can fix everything else to the best of my ability, I wonder if I will ever find someone to care for me the way I care for them. Because through all of this it would have been nice to go through it with someone. I think that is all i need...Someone to watch over me.

Que Sera Sera

So faire is almost over :( I must say that I am sad to see it end...
Oh the stories that I have to tell and the rants that I have to go on...

So at work on Saturday it was a very interesting day! One of my co-workers decided that it was time that something happened between the guys I like and I. So she sent him a flower in my name with out telling me! I was like O.O <- just like that! and when the rose seller told him who i was it looked like he started to laugh. Then he walked up to me and was like "So...did you send a flower my way?" and I said "haha...yeah" and blushed and then! he reached out and kissed mah hand! and then said thank you and that he hopes to see me around. but then didn't say anything to me at all on Sunday but looked at me but no talking :( boys are silly! (no offense to any boys who are reading this...but you really are)

My roomie moved in! She is quite fantastic! And is sitting here writing her own blog as well :) so no worries! this should be a good year!

As I am sitting here writing this the song "Love Story" by Taylor Swift started playing...I am in love with this song! Definatly my number one song right now! It is amazing and if you haven't heard it...I definatly suggest going and checking it out!

So my first rant is about the lovely Taylor Swift and about the one and only Joe Jonas and their break up. He broke up with her over the phone. And while I respect that he did what he thought was best most likely I still think it majorly sucks! Like really! No one wants to be broken up with over the phone :( that's not cool fellas! if you're gonna break up with someone you should try to do it in person! not over the phone not over email not with a post it! that's just ridiculous!

that is all i have floating around in my head right now...but be on the look out for more!
xoxo
Pale Angel

I Solemly Swear

Ok so I was sitting here tonight thinking and worrying about things that i have no control over
and i have no made a resolve
i will no longer worry about things that i can't control
as part of the new me...we'll see how long i can stick to it, but i'm gonna try!
but i have realized that i am ruining my life worrying and it needs to stop
so that is my resolve :)
just thought i'd share
with my ever exciting evening being sick and watchin tv and movies
yup yup
heres hopin
xoxo
Pale Angel

Teardrops on my Guitar

So there's this guy...and I don't think he knows that everytime he smiles he glows and makes me want to smile to. No matter how bad of a day I'm having if I think about him I want to smile and if I get to see him I smile even bigger. Dorky right? I dunno what's come over me readers...maybe i've caught the lovebug haha who knows
but one things for sure i'm not gonna let it go
at the same time i have caught another bug and this one is for sure not of the love variety. Yup I am sick...no fun.
And I found out that I am getting a new roommate this weekend. I talked to her and she seems pretty cool so there will hopefully be no worries :)
On the other hand i am now running myself ragged i have NO idea how i am currently managing to function its ridiculous and now i have even more to add to my plate.
I am going to be up all night tonight...totally procrastinating on my homework right now
and tomorrow night i'll be up all night sewing...YAY ME
hopefully that won't be too hard though...
also tomorrow i think i shall be going to get my haircut...maybe a combo of hilary duff, reese witherspoon, and alexis bledel...sound weird? haha i think it should work out in the end :)
oh well...thats all i know for now
i'm debating canceling this blog because...well...no one reads it...and i don't blame them it's quite boring...
ah well
xoxo
Pale Angel

Macaroni and Cheese...

Crackers!!!
what the heck?!
who makes macaroni and cheese crackers!!!
why would you ruin a good thing like that????
GAH!!!!
stupid commercialism!!!
you'd think that the kraft people have enough money
but no!!
they gotta turn mac n' cheese into a freaking cracker!!!
GAH!!!
we already have cheese its and cheese nips!
no mac n' cheese crackers!!NO!!!
take them back!!!

...thats all :)
xoxo
Pale Angel

And Big Girls Don't Cry

While I have never known this statement to be true, it seems that it is a good theory to live by.
It has come to my attention that by keeping certain things in my life to myself it has cause more problems than been good.
And that someone has taken my blog post No Air to be about them, when it is not. While something that I have in fact forgiven them for was mentioned in passing...the blog itself was not about them.
I guess I should probably explain to them and to you my readers why my blog and me myself have been in a weird sort of funk lately. and yes i did just say funk.
there are a number of things going on in my life right now so lets just start at the beginning shall we.
1. About a year and a half ago I was told that my grandfather has Alzheimers. At the beginning of this year he was placed in a home and we were told that by the end of the summer he would no longer be with us. Well it is now September and he has surpassed the timeline they gave him. And while they say he is doing better they aren't really giving him much longer. My grandfather was and is and always shall be a big part of my life. Whenever something went wrong he would be the one who helped me or calmed my parents down. And now he can't...now he can't even remember who i am or how i'm related to him. I'm terrified of losing him which I know I will in the very near future.
2. My great-grandmother, whom I mentioned in a previous post, is also dying and will probably be gone with in the next month or two. My great-grandmother is a very infulential person for me and I am not ready to see her go yet. But since my great-grandfather died she has pretty much given up her will to live, and it is apparently amazing that she has survived this long.
3. A person who is very close to me has recently been through a very traumatizing event and is now in a situation that could take them away from me sooner that I would like. This has caused me great distress and made me very cranky and while i would like to spend more time with them, I am so busy that I don't have the time to.
4. I am pretty much failing school I think. It is only the first few weeks of school but physics has me confused and i am just not doing well...that i do believe needs no further explanation...
5. lastly..the thing i have been most hesitant to talk about...and will not mention it here...because well...i am still not fully ready to talk about it...sorry...
so you see...life has been pretty hard...or maybe it's not hard and i've just been putting all of this at a much higher level than it should be...but no matter it has turned me into a depressed person.
so if you hate me after this whatever that's your choice...
but i just thought that you all deserved an explanation...
that #5 thing...will probably be brought up at a later date...just so you know...
until then...
xoxo
Pale Angel

You'll Be the Prince and I'll Be the Princess

Ok so maybe I'm not a princess...but isn't that almost every little girls dream? to be a princess
it was mine for sure haha
to suddenly find out that I was the princess of a small unknown country (just like in princess diaries)
or to marry into it like Grace Kelly...how cool would that be?!
princess' lives seem to be so fabulous
they get to go to balls and dance with the prince and live in beautiful castles
yup yup seems like the perfect life to me

i've decided that that will be my new profession, no longer being an actress...i'm gonna be a princess :) haha

ok so maybe not...but it sounds like a good idea anyways
so this looney theatre major has been pretty busy lately what with auditions and school work.
being in college is hard...they don't write that in the brochures but it is pretty rough!
but anyways...

i wonder how one gets into the business of princessing...like i am very attracted to this idea...i think it's a genius solution... :)
anyways sorry this update is short but i thought i would just share with you all that i had an epiphany on my life's direction!
until next time
xoxo
Pale Angel

No Air

If you have ever wondered what it's like to feel alone in the world. I could probably tell you, it's only monday and already i'm not having a great week.
In the past few weeks i have been blog bitched twice, yelled at numerous times, been called a whore 3 times, and have felt bad about all of it constantly.
i messed up an audition for a part that i wanted more than anything today.
i don't know how to be me anymore
mostly because i don't know who me is anymore
people have picked away at who i thought i was and now i'm just a shell
if you had asked me who i was even a month ago i would have been able to tell you with stregth and certainty
but now i can't even begin to think of who i am, because it is not the same person at all
i don't know who i am because so many people have challenged it and made me feel bad about it
things that i thought were helpful were just a burden on others and apparently made them feel worse
i don't know anymore
i have spent so much time crying lately that it is absolutely ridiculous
sorry that it was so depressing today...but it's all i have left in me
xoxo
Pale Angel

The 7 Things...

The 7 things I hate about me
this post is so that you, my readers (if i do infact have any) can get a glimpse into my brain.
I was thinking about it the other day and there are several qualities about myself that i really truly hate. and i figured i would share them with you all.
no this is not a post about me whining and bitching, it is a self reflection post.

The first thing that i hate is that I am soo shy. Like ridiculously shy, it takes me a while to break out of said shy shell. And there are so many consequences that go along with that. I feel like maybe if i weren't so shy that i wouldn't have gotten picked on so much in middle school because I would have had the back bone to stand up for myself and maybe by now I would have had a boyfriend because I would have had the courage(after being brutally shot down the first time i did such) to ask guys that I liked out or even just talk to them.

The second thing that I hate is that i am waaay to understanding. I give so many people that have hurt me and have treated me badly second chances and it usually ends up with them treating me like crap again. not cool right? but i let them because i don't know how to be mad at people or to let my feelings show (but that is for another time). I have so many friends who aren't really my friends, they're just using me because I let them. Its not a good situation.

The third thing is that i never get mad, not matter how hard i try. I just can't get mad at people. It kills me to get mad at people and then i end up apologizing even though i myself haven't done anything wrong. i hate when there is a conflict between one of my friends and i and so i always try to fix it no matter the cost. so that i usually end up giving up on my point of view just so that the fighting will stop.

The fourth thing is that I don't know how to tell people what I really truly think. mostly because I am very very scared about their reaction to it. If I said half of the things that I really thought...I probably would have at least half of my friends mad at me. I mean there are some friends that I tell straight out what I think because I know they won't judge it and just take it as another suggestion. but there are some who it terrifes me to say what i think so i just don't.

The fifth thing is that I'm scared. Of everything. You name it I'm probably worrying about it. And lemme tell you, it is a lifestyle cramper. To be always afraid and never knowing how to calm yourself down. It sucks, majorly. It has led me into some of the worst times of my life. Now this particular one I am somewhat getting better at and I'm learning how to stay calm and to not worry as much. But it is still pretty suckish to worry about everything.

The sixth thing is that I have no self-esteem what so ever. Now I am that way for a number of reasons, trust me I wasn't always this way. I used to be one of the most bubbly in your face self confident people you have ever met. But after years of being broken down and being told that i'm ugly and that i will never amount to anything. I have become combataive when people give me compliments like telling me I'm pretty because I have been told for so long that i'm not that i have come to believe it's true. People tell me that I'm being stupid and that I should just get over it, but I don't know how to. I honestly don't and I hate it and I want to have that confidence but I don't know how to.

The seventh thing that I hate is that I just used up your time whining about something that you could probably care less about. But I felt that I needed to get this off my chest. You see alot of stuff has been happening to me over the past few weeks, things that I haven't really told anyone about but those directly involved. and they have made me really think about myself and where i'm going. and as i thought i came up with that list. there are so many more things that i could add to it, but those are the major things in my life.

Please believe that i am a happy person and that I do love my life and everyone it, just sometimes it's hard to get by without whining a little bit. alrighty that's all :)
till next time
xoxo
Pale Angel

Our Time Now

As tends to happen in the fall school begins again. Classes start and homework is handed out. and us college students return to our dorms for another year of learning and new experiences. and i am no different.
I moved in to my dorm 3 days ago and still have no roommate so my room is quite quiet (side note i just realized those two words are made up of the exact same letters...yes i'm smart i know (: )
My classes are fun so far...i spent three hours in a physics lab/lecture today explaining to my lab partner that centimeters and meters are not the same thing! but i don't think she got it...
theatre seems like it is going to be fun. lots of auditions coming up and you know this looney theatre major will of course be there!
and then there is english...any class where the teacher drops the f bomb every 2 seconds and makes two references to pornography in a minute has to be good!
so over all...this should be a pretty good semester!
i have friends this semester which makes this whole college thing so much easier! last year i barely had any so i never left my room besides going to class and going to eat...
but this year i am all set :)
with it being fall my favorite job has begun!
being a bubble fairy for the local renaissance festival!
it has been so much fun so far! i got to meet the court on my birthday! sooo exciting!
a few stupid people but so far...everything is going pretty great!
yup for once things are going pretty well for this looney theatre major
now i have written this update to the promise of one particular person promising me that he will give me a cookie and is going to take me out for sushi still (as i have never actually had it)
so now i am awaiting my cookie! it had better be a good one too!
haha well i think that is all for this minute
but as college is a very exciting place to be i'm sure there will be many more posts awaiting you soon readers (if i have any at all which i'm not sure that i do but oh well)
xoxo
Pale Angel

It's Cool We're Just Friends

i want a boy who would sing to me at random moments. someone who is more goofy than romantic. a boy who would throw stuffed animals at me when i'm acting dumb. . a guy who would make fun of me just to hear my laugh. he'd play with my hair all the time & surprise me with 25 cent rings. someone who i could lay on a blanket with to count the stars. we'd buy tons of disposable cameras to take the silliest pictures of each other but mostly ; someone who would be my best friend & would never break my heart. he would just always make me smile

A boy like that is hard to find, but I can't get him off my mind. Maybe it is naive, but being the hopless romantic that i am, i believe that there is a guy like that actually out there. The perfect guy.

But in todays day and age, real gentleman are hard to find...most girls don't find "prince charming" they find something close. but prince charming seems to be an urban myth.

being swept off your feet by a guy on a white horse seems to be a dream. A dream that i constantly wish would come true.

I mean if he doesn't come on a white horse i will be okay, but to find that guy would be amazing.

Being asked out these days is hard. Especially for a girl like me who can never seem to get past being the "best friend" or the "little sister" like figure. The one guys go to when they need advice on girls. the one they get over protective of, but never have the need because all guys see her the same way they do. as nothing more than a friend. I must say it does get annoying...alot. but it is something that i have come to deal with. that guys would rather tell me about the other girls in their life than date me, that when guys pass me on the street they'd rather stare at my mom or whoever else i'm with than at me.

Sorry for the rant on that...but it was something I was thinking about after I watched a youtube video...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DcE_m4GO7wo

that one to be exact...i see nothing wrong with it don't get me wrong, it's hillarious!!!but it just got me thinkin ya know?

oh and today i discovered the real meaning behing "I've been working on the railroad" song!!

haha oh well that's all for now!

xoxo

Pale Angel

Got Me Goin Crazy

Alright dear readers, it's time...to share with you my not so secret obsession...the Jonas Brothers...yes it's true...for those of you who have suddenly become very disappointed with me...i'm very sorry, but you're going to have to get over that one.

So anyways the point of that was to segway into my monday evening, when i was 8th row at their concert! yup me 8th row!!

haha anyways

i went to the concert with my bro :( because apparently he likes them and wanted to go...i was like okay...

but it was absolutely amazing! their opening act Demi Lovato was very good and flirted with my bro a little bit, which of course made him a very happy dude!

then the Jonas Brothers came on and performed! they were fantastic!!

and I have been so tired the past day that I haven't been able to write and so i apologize

but check out these pics...doesn't it look like he's looking right at me??
made my day right there!!
yes it was very exciting for me :) he's mah favorite. haha i dunno i could be losing my mind... but anyways
that's all i know right now...
i'm watching good eats...ace of cakes just finished
it has succeded in making me very hungry!
so therefore it is food time :)
yay!!!
haha sorry it took so long!
xoxo
Pale Angel

Creepers, Parks, and Engagement Parties

Today was a wonderfuly eventful day in the life of this looney theatre major. It began by me wakin up late as usual (really i don't understand why my mother has issues waking me up, because then she complains that i don't get up at a reasonable hour! i'm like really? just wake me up! i'll get up!) and then rushing and packing all of my things up and getting in the car and starting the three hour drive back home. which ended up being four because we got "lost" and by lost i mean we took the wrong exit and took the long way around. very exciting and it didn't bug me at all...until my ipod died an hour before we got home :( what is with that nonsense?! i mean really!
we got home around noonish and hung around the house like a bum checking up on my email and everything, ordering books for school...you know fun stuff...
then i got a text from one of my best friends telling me that i had to come to the park...so i did...we had fun looking at ducks and talking about the fun that i had up in PA, like random shouting out the window at poor defenseless people (yeah i'm a horrible person, what can i say?)
but then they were being weird so i ran away, and they chased for a few minutes and then stopped and i kept going...and wouldn't you know? i would wind up by myself being followed by a creeper! who walked up to me after circling me for a few minutes and said "you alone here darlin?" to which i got all wide eyed and said "uhhh no!" and ran...and he followed me until he saw my friends at the top of the small "island" and bolted I was like "yeah you better run!". haha but not really i was far to freaked out!
after that i had to rush to my friends engagement party, which i had to make an apperance at because i am one of her bridesmaids (yay me!) and of course i was surronded my couples who were cuddling and making out, until a couple of my other friends showed up and we decided to jump in the pool, which was sooo cold! and then went to the bonfire and got all dry, so we were good!
now i'm sittin at home watching the tv once again thinking about everything.
I have no idea what makes some people "better" or "more fortunate" than others. it really confuses me how some people can have the most wonderful boyfriend and still want more. i'm very confused...i don't know...someone needs to explain this to me...but anyways...time for ice cream and skittles!
xoxo
Pale Angel

My Strongest Suit

Another great friday night, sitting around watching tv. Now granted, what else am I going to do? But it is not the fact that I am sitting around watching tv by myself that is interesting to me.
It is what I'm watching that enthrals me this evening...
I am sitting around watching What Not To Wear, a show where they give people who are "style challenged" $5000 dollars to go to NYC to shop as long as they follow the two style gurus advice. now i don't know about you...but being given $5000 to go and shop in one of the biggest cities with the most amazing clothes in the country, would be enough incentive for me to intentionally dress badly so that i could go to NYC and spend money on clothes...shallow? eh maybe a little...but i mean really...i honestly don't believe the people on this show dress this badly! NOBODY!!!! and i mean nobody!!!dresses like that! it's just crazy!
but yes...i am still stranded in a hotel room...getting a headache from crying so much...it is a wonder to me that my body can produce so many tears...its crazy
ah well...
i'm off...maybe to go royally mess up my wardrobe so that i can go to NYC ;)
xoxo
Pale Angel

True Love

I am currently sitting in a lonely hotel room in another state after having attended my great-grandfathers funeral and internment (sp?) today. but his passing is not what made me cry or is the focus of my blog today. you see since i was told last thursday that he had passed i was having a hard time crying. i mean sure i cried because he was gone and was depressed, but not to the extent of everyone else in my family.
my great-grandfather left behind his widow, my great-grandmother. and i went to go and see her with my aunt and my cousins.
we sat by her bed and she told us the story of how she and my great-grandfather met and fell in love. this is what made me tear up.
my great-grandfather was walking on a street in 1932 and saw my great-grandmother. and they fell in love, love at first sight. i honestly always thought that it was a myth, but now after hearing their story i am an avid believer in true love and love at first sight. and knowing that it is real, is good news for a hopeless romantic like me.
my great-grandfather died at the age of 97, his wife is 93. they were married for 76 years. had 3 kids. 9 grandkids and 16 great grand kids.he worked for the steel factory, working from the bottom to the top at a management postion at the top of the company. he was an award wininng golfer. he had an amazing life and was loved by so many people.
we sat there with my great-grandmother and my tears finally came, looking at her and how much they loved each other, he died right there by her side.
and it made me wonder if that could ever happen for me. she sat there looking at the love of her life as they lowered him to his resting place and seeing her tears and seeing how much she loved him made me wonder, if i will ever find that guy for me. and if we will live together like that...hmm i don't know
but now,i have been told that we are going out for late night ice cream in his memory.
time to go
xoxo
pale angel

In the Beginning

It is hard to say what draws a person to blogging. Me I'm sitting here at a laptop in the middle of the night, when I should be taking my Music Final, and decided that I wanted to start my own blog, so here I sit typing this out. I do not clame to be an interesting person or to have an interesting life. I don't know the circumstances surronding those I write about, other than what happens to them while they are around me. I do not own them and what I write comes from my perspective.
I do however know, that I am a looney theatre major. No I am not a crazy nutcase, I promise. This blog will give you a little bit of an insight into my life and how crazy people like me function.
haha enjoy :]
xoxo
PaleAngel