The 7 Things...

The 7 things I hate about me
this post is so that you, my readers (if i do infact have any) can get a glimpse into my brain.
I was thinking about it the other day and there are several qualities about myself that i really truly hate. and i figured i would share them with you all.
no this is not a post about me whining and bitching, it is a self reflection post.

The first thing that i hate is that I am soo shy. Like ridiculously shy, it takes me a while to break out of said shy shell. And there are so many consequences that go along with that. I feel like maybe if i weren't so shy that i wouldn't have gotten picked on so much in middle school because I would have had the back bone to stand up for myself and maybe by now I would have had a boyfriend because I would have had the courage(after being brutally shot down the first time i did such) to ask guys that I liked out or even just talk to them.

The second thing that I hate is that i am waaay to understanding. I give so many people that have hurt me and have treated me badly second chances and it usually ends up with them treating me like crap again. not cool right? but i let them because i don't know how to be mad at people or to let my feelings show (but that is for another time). I have so many friends who aren't really my friends, they're just using me because I let them. Its not a good situation.

The third thing is that i never get mad, not matter how hard i try. I just can't get mad at people. It kills me to get mad at people and then i end up apologizing even though i myself haven't done anything wrong. i hate when there is a conflict between one of my friends and i and so i always try to fix it no matter the cost. so that i usually end up giving up on my point of view just so that the fighting will stop.

The fourth thing is that I don't know how to tell people what I really truly think. mostly because I am very very scared about their reaction to it. If I said half of the things that I really thought...I probably would have at least half of my friends mad at me. I mean there are some friends that I tell straight out what I think because I know they won't judge it and just take it as another suggestion. but there are some who it terrifes me to say what i think so i just don't.

The fifth thing is that I'm scared. Of everything. You name it I'm probably worrying about it. And lemme tell you, it is a lifestyle cramper. To be always afraid and never knowing how to calm yourself down. It sucks, majorly. It has led me into some of the worst times of my life. Now this particular one I am somewhat getting better at and I'm learning how to stay calm and to not worry as much. But it is still pretty suckish to worry about everything.

The sixth thing is that I have no self-esteem what so ever. Now I am that way for a number of reasons, trust me I wasn't always this way. I used to be one of the most bubbly in your face self confident people you have ever met. But after years of being broken down and being told that i'm ugly and that i will never amount to anything. I have become combataive when people give me compliments like telling me I'm pretty because I have been told for so long that i'm not that i have come to believe it's true. People tell me that I'm being stupid and that I should just get over it, but I don't know how to. I honestly don't and I hate it and I want to have that confidence but I don't know how to.

The seventh thing that I hate is that I just used up your time whining about something that you could probably care less about. But I felt that I needed to get this off my chest. You see alot of stuff has been happening to me over the past few weeks, things that I haven't really told anyone about but those directly involved. and they have made me really think about myself and where i'm going. and as i thought i came up with that list. there are so many more things that i could add to it, but those are the major things in my life.

Please believe that i am a happy person and that I do love my life and everyone it, just sometimes it's hard to get by without whining a little bit. alrighty that's all :)
till next time
xoxo
Pale Angel